Tipping Points

I'm not sure if that is the technical term I am looking for, but I think you know what I mean...things that tip the scales one direction or the other...or, the idioms...the straw that broke the camel's back, the drop that overflowed the bucket (I'm fairly certain that is an idiom I learned in Spanish in Costa Rica, but the concept applies in English as well).  No matter how you say it, the concept remains the same:  the seemingly small or insignificant (insert word STUPID here) thing that just tips you over the edge. 

Well, who knew that mine would come as the result of a failed morning at Quest Diagnostics.

No, don't worry...this moment didn't come as the result of bad news, but rather the inability to get labs drawn because of two minutes.  Time-sensitive labs that needed to be drawn by 9 am, but because of a computer glitch and my name being called at 9:02, those labs could not be completed.  Also, the inability to submit lab materials (ahem, a stool sample for one of my children), because I was not told exactly how to store them, nor did I sign her name in for the drop-off.  Silly me, I thought I could just drop those off when I did my own lab tests.  Obviously, I was wrong.  So stupid.  In the big scheme of things, NOT A BIG DEAL, like, AT ALL.  But, it turned into an hour-long "tipping point" into the abyss of scary and unknown things for me. 

Time.  Health.  House.  Home.  School.  Church.  Family.  LIFE. 

Basically, everything that is burdening me right now. 

TIME, because I was now going to be late for the rest of my day...my day that I thought I had planned out "so well," but in reality, got messed up right out of the gate.  I spent my entire drive home, AND my entire 25-minute drive to the ranch just sobbing.  Ugh.

HEALTH, because, well, I try my hardest to keep my chin up and keep moving forward, but there are days when the giant question mark of the unknowns in my health just knock me down.  I try to hold it all together and stay positive, but when I allow myself to stop and think about some of these things, I just fall apart.  I tend to keep myself really busy, which isn't necessarily wise.  I'm in nearly constant pain, which is another constant reminder of the whole mess. 

HOUSE, because we have been looking for a house for over a year and we keep coming up empty. 

HOME, because, well, that whole "keeping really busy" thing kind of affects the whole "maintaining our home" thing.  I have piles, and I have clutter.  Annnnnddddddd I just took down the Christmas tree on the 16th...of February.  Possibly a new personal record.  In my defense, that Christmas tree has brought me joy every single day since Christmas, so that makes it socially acceptable these days, right?

SCHOOL, because who knew that making decisions about your children's schooling would be so RIDICULOUSLY HARD?!?  Do any of you remember the book, Choosing God's Best?  Obviously, it was about dating and marriage relationships, but I feel this way when thinking about who will be involved in my children's learning experiences, and where those learning experiences will take place.  Will they be challenged?  Will they be nurtured?  Will they be loved?  Will they grow spiritually, emotionally, academically, socially, and mentally?  UGH.  So.much.pressure. 

CHURCH, because I have been wrestling for quite some time with what my role is in the church at this point.  Our life has changed so much in the last several years.  Trying to really think through where I might be gifted, how I can use those gifts, and how to serve the Church in this crazy, busy, and quite frankly, overwhelming season. 

FAMILY, because, I mean, whose family is perfect?  Not ours.  Everyone has challenges.  Everyone has struggles.  Our "plate" has been kind of full lately, so there are days where it just feels suffocating. 

So, basically, that poor woman at Quest had no idea that when she told me I couldn't do my labs and that my poop samples weren't accurately stored, she would have a front row seat to my unraveling, that tipping point for me.  And yes, the tears began inside the open hallway in Quest...right smack dab in the middle of it.  Where are my facepalm emojis on this laptop?!?!

It's lame, I know.  Reflecting on it now, and in the moments since Friday morning, I'm reminded of how much I am NOT in control...OF ANYTHING.  I can do my best to plan wisely and be a good steward of my time, my health, my house, my home, our decisions for our family...but in the end, it is God who knows how things will shake out.  It is God and God alone who knows and has a purpose for all of these things.  I just have to keep trusting that it will be for His good in the end, you know?  What a scary and comforting place to be, right?  Scary because I am not in charge, but comforting because I am not in charge.  God's got this. 

I've been reading this amazing book by Lysa TerKeurst.  It's called, It's Not Supposed to Be This Way.  I'm not finished with it yet, but oh my, SO MUCH GOODNESS so far.  She was talking about these hard things that we go through, and that yes, it kind of SUCKS (sorry...blunt), but that perhaps, we are missing the goodness of God through our struggles.  That perhaps God's story THROUGH our heartache and struggles is the story that matters most.  Not the end outcome, but how we live in the NOW, and how we anchor ourselves to God during these times.  God's got this.  He already knows how the story ends. 

But still, so hard.  Just so very hard sometimes.

One of my favorite shows of all time is Friends.  The theme song begins with, "So no one told you life was gonna be this way..."  But Jesus did.  He said, "In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart!  I have overcome the world."  Trying to take heart and trust right now.  God pulled me back from plummetting into my scary abyss.  It's all going to be okay.   God's got this. 

And He hasn't failed me yet.